missed

welcome back blog! I missed you while you were gone, missed being able to access the insights and creativity of the many lovely and talented bloggers who I follow. A recent trawl through a number of craft sites has bolstered the number of crafty blogs I follow, and I'm looking forward to having a go at some of the projects they've suggested (I particulary love the people who post instructions, tutorials and patterns, there is nothing worse than a lack of information on something you'd love to try!)... In other news, I have two major assignments due in the coming weeks, so my self control will be getting a darn good workout as I resist said crafty blogs in favour of research and writing.
Have I mentioned I miss having spare time?

you've got me wondering...

A friend on Facebook recently posted a status asking anyone who has, or knows someone who has, suffered from depression to repost said status in support of Depression Awareness Week. I’m not knocking that friend as she’s one of the most beautiful people (inside and out) on the face of the planet, but this status made me wonder a few things:

1). Just how many people who actually suffer, or have suffered from depression would admit it, especially in the social and very public sphere of Facebook, and

2). And how many people would actually aware of friends who were suffering, or had suffered, from depression.

I’m sure many people would like to think they would be able to spot when a friend is hurting, but from personal experience they generally don’t.

I can’t claim to have suffered from “depression” as I never actually sought a professional diagnosis (I didn’t want to have my head shrunk, or addled with drugs) but I did survive a pretty dark period and this status made me wonder if anyone actually noticed. Were my mood swings just that, mood swings? Was my laughter so genuine that they had no idea I was so numb inside that I would take scissors to my skin just to make sure I could still feel? Could they see it eating me up inside? Did they know?

I don’t think they did, and that’s not their fault; they’re not minder readers; and my problems have always been my own to fix, even when they seemed too big to tackle… So now I wonder, how can anyone else claim to know when their friends are suffering similar dark feelings? Is it societal? Have we been taught not to look too deep, for fear of what we might have to deal with? Or worse, take responsibility for fixing?

I have no answers.

Years later that time is still a painful, and frightening, memory, (that I'm still not 100% comfortable talking about) but at least I survived it, and can offer this advice: if you are suffering, you can beat it. Will telling someone help? I don’t know, but I wish I had: just hoping that someone will see through you to heart of your pain and miraculously make it all better is unrealistic; but if I'd told someone, at least I'd have had someone by my side for the tough battle ahead.
If you’re not suffering, then take a closer look at your friends, pay attention to random mood swings, or if they become withdrawn and isolate themselves; listen closely to what they say and even closer to what they don't say... especially if they’re stubborn buggers like me.

on this day...

I am grateful for:

- having handed in my first essay as a postgrad. I’m not confident that it’s that great, and writing it was stressful, but having finished I feel back into the swing of it and am much more confident in my ability to tackle the other four.

- having use of the staffroom in the department building at uni, there is nothing better than free coffee, especially when it gets you through a long lecture late in the day (and its free, woo!)

- my dog, shes so cute and her love is unconditional… although right now I think it might have something to do with the fact that I’m eating my dinner, and shes giving me a look like shes never been fed and is fading away… but at least she’ll still love me when I’m finished eating (with her help, of course)

- my mum, for many reasons, including that she made the dinner I’m currently eating: minestrone soup with toasted Italian panini (olive tapenade, fresh tomatoes, bocconcini cheese and a sprinkling of thyme, all toasted in the oven).

- knowing that its going to be okay… my personal little world has been unbalanced of late, and for a while there I did fear that the darkness that, years ago, I had to fight long and hard to banish from my life, was going to return and consume my ability to be happy and comfortable in my own skin… but I feel it ebbing away again now, it'll take some time for it to go completely, but at least this time it only took weeks to overcome, instead of years, and I'm going to take as a good sign. It’ll try and come back, but I’m confident I have the strength within myself to banish it again. I just wish everyone knew that they had the strength within themselves to create their own happiness.

Off to the conservation labs at the Australian Maritime Museum tomorrow! Should be an interesting learning experience, and I’m really looking forward to it!